Fun With Dick and Jane – A Modern Horror Story

As most of you know, I don't really do short stories, or horror either.  I prefer fantasy romance-adventures.  But I got this from my friend recently, and as lovely as the tale is, I thought it should see the light of day.  Also, with editing my book and looking to land an agent, I've been a little busy lately.  Here's Dick:

My name isn't Dick, but I'm going with it for this article. Many thanks to my friend, Mark, who is posting it for me.

I'm the one who wrote the Valentine's Day Lament a while back, but now I have a horror story for you.

You see, my wife, Jane, who happens to be an unemployed ex-professional kind of person, can't add.

It may be hard to imagine that a post-graduate school degree holder can't add, but it's the truth.

I've been unemployed for a while now, and my income, such as it is, is pathetically limited. It's not below poverty level, but it's also not enough to pay the bills, by about a factor of 4. Hell, it doesn't even cover my – er, our house payments and our insurance, and I'm – excuse me – we're probably going to lose our house next month when I won't be able to pay for it any more. At all.

That's okay, though – the utilities will be shut off soon enough because I can't afford them any more, either.

Yes, I've applied for the great Hope-and-Change President's home loan modification program with my primary mortgage bank, who just happens to be one of the multi-billion dollar beneficiaries of President H&C's Wall Street bailout package (hey, where are my billions?), but they have not responded, and I'm about to go late on my other home loan because, well, because Jane can't add.

We live in a community property state (California), which means, in terms of family law (only), everything that I earn is half Jane's. The IRS and the Franchise Tax Board don't exactly see it that way, nor did any of my prior employers, but she does. On the other hand, Jane does not seem to understand that this also means she has to pay half of the bills. This is a concept which completely escapes her.

Jane also seems to think that, since she doesn't have to pay (her) half of the bills, which I can't afford with all of my unemployment before giving her half, she can go off and spend "her" half any way she likes. If she spends more than that half (which she routinely does because she can't add up what she spends), and she refuses to look at our bank statements that show, quite clearly, exactly where she spent what she spent, then obviously I need to give her more out of "my" half: if not, she'll just write checks (which will bounce, or worse, get honored and really cripple our account) to spend what she doesn't have and can't add up (and I can't afford anyway).

Then Jane also likes to pretend that she never really spends anything, although she's usually quick to add "on myself." I suppose that cleaning wipes, shampoo, conditioner, her underwear and her particular brand of (expensive) drinks aren't really for her at all – they're for, well, um, someone else, whoever that is. I'm pretty sure that, if it isn't Jane, it's someone who is not entitled to half of our income (or obligated to pay half of our bills).

On top of that, this extra money she's spending gets to come out of "my" half of the unemployment, and magically there will still be the entire half, as if I never spent anything or gave her anything. As far as I can tell, I'm supposed to pay to support the whole family (i.e., all of the bills) out of "my half" of my unemployment, which, remember, wasn't ¼ enough to begin with, while she goes off on long car trips and expensive dinners at nice resorts with "her" half of the money.

Does this sound the least bit fishy to you?

It should, but I swear it's true.

Then it gets worse – Jane has threatened to take "legal action" against me because I'm not supporting my children (who are both adults, but let's gloss over that for now). Actually, she threatened to "go public on the web" about this, which would probably turn out to be libelous, if I could afford to sue her, as if she had anything that isn't already mine, for damages. Now I ask you, if Jane is spending half of my unemployment on whatever-it-is-she-spends-it-on, and the whole was not enough to cover the bills in the first place, and I still have to have clothes, food and drinks (non-alcoholic, and, by the way, all cheaper than any drink she buys – ever), where is that magical extra money supposed to come from?

I suppose God could supply it, or maybe the lottery (odds roughly 1 in 47 billion), or maybe the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes (odds roughly 1 in 120 billion). Wait – I forgot: I'm supposed to be her sole source of income for her entire life, and I'd better be a good sugar daddy or she'll – something.  Whatever that something is, it clearly does not include earning an income to help support the family, unless that income comes from her very expensive profession, in which she hasn't engaged in more than 20 years and is therefore completely unsuited to do so without extensive (and expensive) retraining.

As another layer of joy (?) on top of all this, Jane has this strange idea that if she yells loudly and long enough, and makes a big show of all of this in public, especially with (false) accusations of neglect and lack of child support and so on, everyone will cave in and do exactly what she wants, especially doormat Dick (me). Apparently, this has worked for years with just about everyone, and I've only recently realized that I've been part of that problem. I have an excuse – I thought we were in love, or at least loved each other, and that she might be satisfied, or maybe even just nice about it, if I gave her what she screamed and yammered and bitched and moaned and cried and whined and – well, you get the picture. Of course, that never happens, I don't even get a thank you.

Most of the people I know think I'm pretty smart, but I've either been incredibly stupid, blind or obstinate not to have noticed this and handled it better before. I still have a lot to learn (but at least I can).

But, I can add, too, and that keeps me in touch with reality. Jane doesn't really live there any more, and frankly I can understand that part of the problem.

So, how was your day today?

In love and horror,

Dick